Jumpin Jeremy Flies

“Jumpin” Jeremy Jehosefat has raised quite a sensation in the league. With the ability to effect a vertical lift of over 26 feet, he has singlehandedly changed the strategy used in modern day football. Newer techniques by Jeremy’s team the Idaho Strumpets include using hardwood flooring and bowling balls in an attempt to distract the defense, and using Jehosefat’s superior “hang time” to call in the Zamboni ice sweeper and clear the linebackers out before Jeremy comes back down. Other coaches in the league have denounced the Strumpets strategy as unfair and have started their own plans to introduce sinkholes with coal tar pitch into the playing field.

Wolves Bury Groundhogs

The groundhogs stayed underground yesterday to avoid being swallowed by the wolves who come in to the season needing a lot of meat after a long cold winter in Yellowstone. Second year cubs Frankie and Johnny led the charge for the wolves, both had lost a lot of fur in their recent “tussle in the timbers” last April when drought forced the entire pack to look for drinking holes outside their usual territory. The ‘hogs face some tough opponents this season and are likely to try and burrow their way under the competition rather than take them head on. Chalk up a big season opener for the wolves.